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Thread: Grouchy husband

  1. #1
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    Grouchy husband

    Marriage does take some tolerance, and I am in no way saying I want to leave my husband. I am frustrated with him though. He has been so grouchy. Often his reactions are inappropriate and much too severe for the circumstances. He was raised that way, so it's been years of that. When he is on fire for the Lord, those behaviors go away. Trouble is, he's up and down. Now, we are in one of those down times.

    My husband does have a lot on him, between his management job and taking care of our family. His parents add to his stress, because they are so needy (emotionally). My husband has had a bad habit of feeling sorry for himself and misinterpreting others' intentions. He is often jealous of others and hates them for it.

    I know my husband truly wants to serve the Lord. He goes to church, he talks about the Lord. He lacks the time to pray and read the word though. I know he just needs to make the time to do those things, but he is struggling to even find a few minutes for himself. He just keeps putting those things off. Then when he gets down, he starts cussing and is really ignorant to people, especially his family. He is short tempered, acting out from any little conflict.

    I'm tired of being treated so badly when he's down. I'm tired of watching him talk to our children so harshly and I'm tired of him calling me perfect if I make a comment about his actions. Every disagreement with anyone turns into him attacking them verbally. Most of all, I'm worried about his soul.

    I have tried to encourage my husband, only to have him become angry with me. The latest, is when he got angry with someone on the phone, and started cussing. His cussing turned to insulting every member of the family and then walking out the door. We hear every day that he hates his life and he is tired of everyone taking advantage of him. I told him that he wasn't wrong in being angry, but he doesn't have to lose his salvation every time he gets angry. I had said that in doing so, he was throwing his blessings away.

    It seems that as I grow in the Lord, he gets more bitter towards me. I am not trying to judge my husband. I am not trying to be his conscience. I love him and I am concerned about his soul. I want things to be right in our home. The kids and I don't deserve this, and I know when he is right with the Lord, we don't live this way. I usually don't comment on his actions, but lately, I have been. At 42 years of age, twenty years in church, things should be a little different around here.

    My husband really does have a lot on him. I'm not making excuses for him. Even then, he's got the wrong attitude because he's having trouble giving things to the Lord. I can pray for him and try to encourage him in the word. The worse he gets, the more guilt he feels and the more he hardens his heart. We continue to attend church. I'm so anxious for him to receive deliverance. It can't happen fast enough.

  2. #2
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    I am younger than you, have only been married for 3 years and have only been a Christian for 5 years, so take my advice with a grain of salt, lol.

    My husband has been a Christian his whole life, and has a lot more bible knowledge than I do. However, both of us experience the times when we're walking closely with God, and the times when we're further away from Him because we're choosing things of the flesh over the Spirit. It's generally brought on by "not having enough time" for quiet time. Although my husband isn't a grouch, I can be, and our relationship with one another is definitely better when our relationship with our God is right. One thing I have noticed with my husband is that every time he resolves to walk closely with the Lord again, and have daily, consistent quiet time, something gets int he way. He gets sick, or exhausted, or something else happens which seems to impeded his progress. As for myself, I am working hard on some goals I have for myself (and I believe them to be of God) and I am under major spiritual attack. I have been so discouraged and down the past few weeks, as I am keeping my goals. Satan doesn't want us to be consistent and have a strong, close relationship with Jesus. And we. We are so weak, and we give in so easily. It's pathetic. And I am talking about myself here.

    Anyhow, I have some advice for you, it is something I am trying out right now myself. I am getting up earlier than usual to have quiet time and exercise, and I am encouraging my husband to do it with me. He was doing it last week, and then he got sick, so he has been sleeping in. But I am continuing and encouraging him, and he is going to try again tomorrow morning. Maybe you can make it a group effort for you both to get up a little earlier and have quiet time separately, but at the same time. Another thing I am doing is using a list Nancy Leigh DeMoss has on her website, 31 days of praying for your husband. I was kind of praying the same thing for him everyday, but this list gives me a jumping off point to focus on different areas that he needs work on. I have printed it out with a bunch of scripture related to the topic written out so that I can enrich my prayers with scripture. Something my church has done is asked every family to read about 4 chapters a week of scripture. We are working through the New Testament, and have just finished Philippians. That is causing us to do some devotions together, a goal we both have but have not made time for in the past. Perhaps your church does something like that, or you can ask them to?

    I will pray for your situation today. In Christ your husband has the power to overcome his flesh, but he has to be willing to face the parts of himself that are not right and get right. I will pray for a changed heart, and for God to show you ways you can help your husband.
    In Christ,
    Katie



    Romans 15:13 ~ May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

  3. #3
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    In a way, your husband sounds a little like my brother did years ago. My brother was on top of the world one minute, and then down in a deep dark valley the next. During the dark times he cussed and blamed everyone for how terrible he felt.

    Unfortuantely this led to alcoholism...on the good side, his alcoholism led him to be hospitalized, which got doctors involved. They found that he was bi-polar. Now that he receives meds, he is stable, has a good marriage, great child, seems happy even in worst of times.

    Could your husband possibly have a medical reason that causes some of his erratic behavior?

    I am praying that God will help you....only He can clear the way to the find the cause and cure of his ills. God bless.

    Dear Lord,

    This sister is in much pain and distress. Her husband is not fulfilling his role at this time in the manner that a Christian man should. Please intervene on her behalf and assist her, her husband, and her family. Please bring about a revival of love in this relationship. Dispel all the darkness and bring in the light.

    In Jesus Name I pray,

    Amen

    SAVED!

  4. #4
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    Twin2.... Pray good things over your husband, even tho you feel like reporting him to God
    Pray 1 Cor 13 over him , and wherever it says Love is.... you say: Husband's name is....
    The LORD is my Miracle

    G_d was gracious He has shown favor


    Hope is a seed
    God plants in our hearts
    to remind us
    there are better things ahead.
    -Holley Gerth


  5. #5
    That sounds a lot like my dad, my dad also thnks he is always right and perfect, and is quick to put down people who don't go along with his thinking or if they make mistakes. Not that he does it to htier face, but behind thier backs. He is one who will literally slam a person who wrongs him. For example, and not trying to birng up an agrument, but my dad hates Bush, Bush didn't help in farming and my dad has it all out for him, he literally hates him, he is judging towards him, all he does is find some stupid joke to say about him and just rips him. Its horrible and nothing we do or say gets him to see that its only hurting him having that attitude. Its horrible, my dad sometimes acts like a five year old especially during his tempers. He doens't listen to people either, its all what he thinks and says. But I guess its one of those things where he will have to learn himself.

    My mom and dad do sometimes butt heads but my mom has stuck wiht him and put up with it, though sometimes she gets stressed too because of it. They lvoe each other, just sometimes my dad can let his attitude get in the way. But the best hting to do is to pray, put it in God's hands. Let God open doors and work on his heart. And pray that God will guide you in how to handle those situations and if you need to talk to him, give you words to say.
    <a href=http://i77.photobucket.com/ albums/j70/Elsie_2006/hysterical.gif target=_blank>http://i77.photobucket.com/ albums/j...hysterical.gif</a>

  6. #6
    Join Date
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    Hi Twin2 -

    Lately, I have been saying all I want is a "rest" - a few days where I am not responsible for anything at all. I'm not even talking a vacation here - I'm talking a day or two in a row where I don't have to go to the office, or feed the dogs, or cook dinner or wash dishes or do a load of laundry. I get frustrated because I know that if I take a day or two off, I will have to work like mad to get caught up.

    I know, intellectually, that the other members of the family "do" things - they have jobs as well, they take the dogs out, take out the trash, sort laundry, help with dishes when asked, etc. Yet, when you have to ask for help, it's just not the same as someone offering. (That happens as well but when I'm in poor, poor pitiful me mode I sometimes over look that aspect).

    What would mean the world to me would be for my husband or our daughter to ask me what they can do to help - or better yet, just doing something that's obvious to take at least one thing off of my plate. Is there anything you can do for your husband that he feels responsible for? Paying the bills? Spending an hour or so with your mother-in-law so he feels he can have a day without calling her? Taking out the trash?

    One thing that seems to help my husband and I as well is the way we "break" the day. When we meet up at home in the evening, we sit at the kitchen table and drink a cup of coffee together. While we drink our coffee, we share our day - what we did, who we talked to, frustrations, triumphs, plans, etc. That way, we know if the other is struggling with work and can lighten the load for them at home a little.

    I will pray for you and for your husband - you are in a tough spot right now.

    I hope this helps a bit -
    V
    Last edited by Vhayes; Jan 18th 2010 at 06:32 PM. Reason: typos

  7. #7
    Quote Originally Posted by Twin2 View Post
    Marriage does take some tolerance, and I am in no way saying I want to leave my husband. I am frustrated with him though. He has been so grouchy. Often his reactions are inappropriate and much too severe for the circumstances. He was raised that way, so it's been years of that. When he is on fire for the Lord, those behaviors go away. Trouble is, he's up and down. Now, we are in one of those down times.

    My husband does have a lot on him, between his management job and taking care of our family. His parents add to his stress, because they are so needy (emotionally). My husband has had a bad habit of feeling sorry for himself and misinterpreting others' intentions. He is often jealous of others and hates them for it.

    I know my husband truly wants to serve the Lord. He goes to church, he talks about the Lord. He lacks the time to pray and read the word though. I know he just needs to make the time to do those things, but he is struggling to even find a few minutes for himself. He just keeps putting those things off. Then when he gets down, he starts cussing and is really ignorant to people, especially his family. He is short tempered, acting out from any little conflict.

    I'm tired of being treated so badly when he's down. I'm tired of watching him talk to our children so harshly and I'm tired of him calling me perfect if I make a comment about his actions. Every disagreement with anyone turns into him attacking them verbally. Most of all, I'm worried about his soul.

    I have tried to encourage my husband, only to have him become angry with me. The latest, is when he got angry with someone on the phone, and started cussing. His cussing turned to insulting every member of the family and then walking out the door. We hear every day that he hates his life and he is tired of everyone taking advantage of him. I told him that he wasn't wrong in being angry, but he doesn't have to lose his salvation every time he gets angry. I had said that in doing so, he was throwing his blessings away.

    It seems that as I grow in the Lord, he gets more bitter towards me. I am not trying to judge my husband. I am not trying to be his conscience. I love him and I am concerned about his soul. I want things to be right in our home. The kids and I don't deserve this, and I know when he is right with the Lord, we don't live this way. I usually don't comment on his actions, but lately, I have been. At 42 years of age, twenty years in church, things should be a little different around here.

    My husband really does have a lot on him. I'm not making excuses for him. Even then, he's got the wrong attitude because he's having trouble giving things to the Lord. I can pray for him and try to encourage him in the word. The worse he gets, the more guilt he feels and the more he hardens his heart. We continue to attend church. I'm so anxious for him to receive deliverance. It can't happen fast enough.
    Twin2, I can relate to you on so many levels! We have only been married for a little over 2 years, but I have experienced everything you just describe. My husband suffers from depression and PTSD and had a horrible childhood, so he has plenty of reasons for his anger, but it doesn't make our everyday life any easier. He also has his up and down times and it's completely dependent on his relationship with the Lord.

    He reacts angrily to situations that don't warrent it. no matter what he's angry with, he tends to lash out at me. He says hurtful things with little or no thought as to how it may affect me. I've gone through phases on how I've dealt with this and now I feel like this is an area the Lord is really growing me in. I started by lashing right back out at him. Thank goodness that phase didn't last long! Then I would get extremely hurt and pull away. Now, the second he does something like that, I ask him to excuse me for one moment and I close my eyes and pray. There have been times that action has made him more angry with me, but it has helped every time I've done it. I pray that God protects me from hurtful words that aren't true. I pray that he shows me the real problem and gives me wisdom on what I can do to help. I pray that he calms my heart and mind and gives me strength to only say things that will bring truth to the situation and uplift my husband. I pray that He shows me what I need to take responsibility for and I pray that He shows me when to be silent and listen or when to speak respecfully.

    My husband also has a hard time seeing the truth about himself and others a lot. He will misinterpret their words and often feels like nobody likes him. That definitely comes from the depression. I know he's incredibly insecure about himself, so I try really hard to compliment him in those situations. I used to get so frustrated when I would know exactly what they meant and he just wouldn't believe me and it would turn into an argument about who's right and who's wrong. Now, I'll try to gently and briefly explain what I thought they meant, but then I'll change the subject and tell him things I admire and respect in him. Sometimes just the fact that I randomly changed the subject so quickly catches him off guard and he'll just laugh. Other times, it will take a while, but I just list things I love about him until he can see something good in himself. That tends to lift the cloud.

    My husband also doesn't have regular quiet times. He has plenty of time for them, but hasn't developed that discipline yet, but he really loves digging into verses and researching the background and context for verses. I will often find a few verses that I'll ask him to explain to me. Sometimes he blows me off, but sometimes he gets really into it and we have amazing discussions. Other times, I will just text him Scripture that reminds me of him just to let him know I was thinking about him. He really likes it when I leave little note cards on his favorite chair in the morning before I go to work saying things like, "'I thank my God every time I remember you.'-Philippians 1:3...I woke up this morning and was praising the Lord for having you in my life. I love you!"

    I just recently got really fed up with my husband. I was letting all of my bitterness about everything build up and I was becoming more and more angry with him. My words were becoming harsh with him and I was just feeling really frustrated that he was not being the husband I needed him to be. I was frustrated he wasn't leading us spiritually, I was feeling unappreciated and taken advantage of, and I felt beaten up by his words. He was blaming everything on me and I just couldn't handle it. That was completely a spiritual attack. I talked with my pastor's wife and finally just broke down. I was ashamed with what I had become from harboring so much resentment and I just wanted my old heart back. We prayed together and she encouraged me with some Scripture. I went home and wrote two letters of apology-1 to God and 1 to my husband. All I can say is that God is faithful and answers prayers. My heart is restored and I'm not bitter anymore.

    Sometimes it kills me knowing that I can't change my husband. When he curses or is doing or saying something that is blatantly not godly, I want so badly just to shake him and make him see the Truth. But, I am not God. I can't change his heart, words, or actions. So, when he's not behaving like a Christian, I always fall back on 1 Peter 3:1-2, "Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives." I always have a million things I'd love to say to him, but more power comes from my actions. It is so hard for me not to nag or correct him, but it is also incredibly rewarding.

    "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." - Galatians 6:9 Don't give up, sister. Sometimes, our husbands can be our biggest ministry.
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  8. #8
    Join Date
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    Just a word of encouragement to those of you struggling with this. I was the one who would lash out in the beginning years of our marriage. I wasn't grumpy, but if I got angry with my husband I would say the most terrible things. I even brought him to tears, I'd hurt him so badly with my mouth. Thankfully he was praying for me and he never once, in all these years of marriage (29) said one nasty thing to me, not even when he's been angry. In time the Lord began to open my eyes to how I was behaving. He showed me a picture of myself and it wasn't pretty. Our marriage was going through a real struggle for awhile, but then the Lord helped me with this problem. I apologized to my husband and I began watching my words. Even now when I get angry, I go off quietly and pray and yes sometimes I complain, but it's in private between the Lord and me.

    Our marriage has transformed over the years and we have gotten closer. My changing caused my husband to change in those areas that were very frustrating to me. I guess what I'm trying to say is, don't give up. Keep praying for your husbands, keep on loving them. The Lord can and will intervene.. You do your part. and HE will take care of the rest.

    Stay encouraged.

    Jeanne

    "He who accepts evil without protesting against it is really cooperating with it". ~ Martin Luther King Jr.

    "If we ever forget that we are ONE NATION UNDER GOD, then we will be a nation gone under" ~ Ronald Reagan

  9. #9
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    If he's only behaving like that towards yourself and the children, that means he can control it. If it was a true underlying mental condition, it would rear its ugly head everywhere else too. Having said that, I'm not God and so I don't know what's really mentally happening to him.

    Bottom line though: If you can control a behavior, then you're responsible for it.

    You're his wife, you know him best (other than God). You know what's within his control, and what isn't. If this is within his control, then you have to decide where your own limits are of what you're going to take from him, and begin setting boundaries. Pray, discuss things with God, and if your own conscience is clear before the Lord and He hasn't shown you anything to repent of, then proceed forward with whatever decision you make between yourself and the Lord how you're going to deal with this.

    The next time he steps across the line (actually, preferably BEFORE he does it again and while he is in a more receptive mode), you could say "You know, I love you, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, but if you do anything like that again, then <such and such> is going to happen because you have pushed me beyond my limit and I don't want to do anything I'm going to regret."

    The <such and such> can be things like counseling, a psychiatrist appointment, a visit to your pastor, whatever you think needs to happen to help you both and to help your marriage and your relationship.

    He may or may not go to the Lord. You can't control his relationship with God, and so the only thing you can do is obey the Lord and pray for your husband and surrender him and your future to God and letting Him handle what He must. Meantime, you're well within your rights to set godly boundaries for yourself and your children. Nobody gets to do what they want and treat people however they want, especially not the ones they're sworn to protect and love.

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